But then it hits you: If they’re old, it means you’re old, too.

This violent realization hit me, not when I turned 30, but when my mom scheduled a colonoscopy for herself and my dad. They happened to book it on the morning after their 30th wedding anniversary. When I called to find out how they were celebrating, my dad took the opportunity to tell me how, instead of eating steak and drinking wine over a candlelight dinner, they’d be fasting on a horrid concoction of doctor-prescribed laxatives. I think my dad’s exact words were, “We’ll be on the toilet all night, shitting our brains out.” How romantic.

So if they’re “seniors,” it must mean I’m an adult, right? I look around though, and I don’t see any adults. I see young people doing things adults do, but not really. HOA sounds more to me like a disease than an association I’d like to be a part of. My friend’s kid comes up to me often and says, “Ask your mom if you can have a sleepover.”

I hear it’s a good outlook, this kind of perennial, unceasing idea that we are in the process of getting older, of dying, without ever being old. My nana just turned 90 but she has been telling everyone she is 39 for the past 30 years. But if the adults think of themselves as kids until it’s time to schedule their first colonoscopy, then who are the adults?

Listen to A Whore’s Wash.

Here’s a remix of A Whore’s Wash by Nick Trikakis!

I recorded this impromptu story myself in Logic and had a bit too much fun with the sound effects.

Listen to Nick Trikakis’s REMIX here!

Brock Wilbur and Sofiya Alexandra put this book together, and Brandon Vaughn did all the illustrations.

Here’s the jam: 31 comedians from the LA area each contributed a chapter. They were allowed to only read the final paragraph of the chapter which came before theirs, and given no rules except “make it interesting.”

To buy the book, click here.

A completely impromptu story, created as the words flowed from my tongue to my lips to the air to you.

Listen to Nick Trikakis’s REMIX here!

You are introduced to your family.

You know more than they do. It frustrates you that you can’t tell them this, so you cry. Eventually you learn mimicry and string syllables together so that you can express your disappointment in the décor and the matching outfits they make you wear. You go to day care and pre-school. In kindergarten, out in the field at recess, you have your first kiss. There’s no tongue because you’re too young but you feel tingles. You start to realize that other things give you tingles in places outside of your heart but you’re too embarrassed to tell anyone, so you pretend not to notice. You begin to ask for privacy when you don’t really need it.

You want to rush everything and time starts to fast-forward. Instead of knowing everything, you know everything about the few things you think you need to know. You lose your virginity. You spend time in the hallway threading toothpicks through your braces, searching for something other than food. You don’t find anything but food.

You start to eat a lot because you’re still searching. You meet people whose names you will forget despite repeating them when you shake their hands. You look both ways even when you aren’t crossing streets and you learn that sparkling water, just like soda, makes you gassy. You hope for a line at the checkout so that you have more time to flick through the gossip magazines you’re too embarrassed to buy.

You start to buy gossip magazines. You become upset that Kim Kardashian is making so much more money than you ever will and you begin to make comparisons to lifestyles with which you share no connection. You wonder if you’re the reason why they put the news of the mega millions jackpot winner next to the Dexatrim ad in the newspaper. You start to know less.

You buy Dexatrim.

You start to walk faster. By the time you realize you’re walking too fast, you’ve already walked too far. You miss the steps you walked too quickly and wish you could remember what they felt like when you moved through them. You hear other people talk about their distinct memories of childhood but you can’t recollect anything unless there is a picture of it.

You spend most days thinking you’re walking in the wrong direction. You slow down and start to stroll leisurely as if doing so were the same as walking backwards to retrace your steps, but you know you’re really just walking very slowly, forwards.

You invest in vitamins and a scale. You read a study about how rats live longer when they are given an extremely reduced-calorie diet so you stop eating. You hate this part, but you continue until you start to look gaunt. A one-time lover grabs your face and tells you it would be great to see what it looks like with more weight on it. This makes you feel skinny. The same lover then wants to know what your face looks like with less weight on it. This makes you feel terrible.

You look for a reflection of yourself in others that doesn’t make you want to run away and you eventually find one.

You get married.

You know how reciprocity feels for a while. You tell each other everything. You start relating to song lyrics. Sometimes you feel bad that you didn’t know how this felt until so late in your life. Your gratitude is confronted quickly with concern for all the people who have never felt this.

You start to share less with each other.

You want to make it work so you write “I miss you” notes and hide them around the house but the whole time you’re secretly wishing it were being done for you. You come home every day hoping that you’ll get a surprise that will make you feel less stupid for sticking all those notes in all the drawers in every room of the house. You are obsessive and become so attached that the other detaches.

You are left.

You learn how to leave.

You don’t think you’re a narcissist but you start every sentence with “I.” Your hair starts to fall out. You wish you could remember the names of those people you met earlier because now, no one is around. You question the efficacy of Kumon in relation to its cost. You bring your neighbors homemade macaroons but they have already turned off their lights. You go back the next day but it’s too late: their lights are off.

You have sex with strangers but it doesn’t feel good because you are still hungry.

You volunteer at the local community center. They make you do things like garden. The way the earth feels between your index finger and thumb makes you feel alive again. You’ve never felt so alive. You sign up for salsa classes. One night, you’re paired with someone from Argentina. You wonder why this person, who should be dancing the Tango, is learning Salsa. When you ask, you’re told it’s because this person made a promise to step out of a comfort zone.

So you both step out of your comfort zones and you dance together. When you dance with this person, you get in real close. You remember how good the skin in the crevice of the neck smells. You want to spray this scent all over yourself and keep it for the rare days you’re apart. You fall in love for the first time in your life. You wonder what words this Argentinian has for feelings that do not exist in the English language, but you’re not worried because you can still feel them. You develop your own nomenclature. You use your eyes to express the emotions you don’t know the words for. This is how you talk.

You find out you can’t have kids.

You get tired so you lie down. Right there on the dance floor, you lie down and you don’t get up. The Argentinian holds your hand and you smile back your thanks. Your teeth are clenched but no one can see because your lips are closed. You start to die but it feels okay because you already know how good the earth feels. Your eyes turn to glass.

In the blackness, you can recall the names of all the people you’ve ever met. You think too many people are named Jennifer and Bill.

Silence comes to meet you, right there on the dance floor. It sounds like you’re under water because all you can hear is the thickness of your heartbeat.

Finally, you know everything.

Wow, has it really been a year already? It’s crazy how time flies! Enjoy the bottle of Perrier Jouet on me. Looking forward to taking you out when you’re in town for the bachelor party. It’s been years!

Your old college pal,

Richard

—-

Subject: Thanks for the invite to your bachelor party!
Date: March 15, 2010 7:23:36 PM PST

What a wild weekend! Thanks, man. It was just like old times. I’m sorry I pinched your ass. It was just so dark in the club I couldn’t really see who was bending over. I know I get a little too aggressive when I drink.

See you at the wedding!

Cheers,

Richie

P.S. Totally not a problem that you ran out of cash and couldn’t pay for your lap dances. I’m sure you’ll pay me back next time!

—-

Subject: Great wedding!
Date: April 4, 2010 11:03:44 AM PST

Just wanted to say congratulations to you and Tina again, buddy! It was a beautiful wedding. Please apologize to your grandma for me. I really need to get my eyes checked.

I bought your wedding gift through the Crate and Barrel website but I’ve been having some Internet problems lately so let me know if you don’t get it!

Have a great honeymoon in the Maldives!

Rich
—-

Subject: Sending my condolences
Date: March 10, 2011 9:54:11 PM PST

I heard that you and Tina broke up. Shit man. I’m sorry. I hope it didn’t have anything to do with what I said during my speech. Everyone was laughing so I thought it was okay to keep going. I just ordered you a sympathy bouquet. I know it’s a little lame sending you flowers but being in AA and all, it seemed like the best option.

What are you going to do with all the gifts you got from the wedding? Do you think it’s too late for me to get a refund?

I’m here if you need me, man.

Richie

—-

Subject: Congratulations?
Date: August 21, 2011 2:05:22 PM PST

Hey buddy! Word around town is that you’re going strong with your new lady? What’s her name again? Cindy? Please tell her that I said hello and that yes, I remember her from that night at the strip club. I hope she didn’t have to pay too much for dry cleaning.

Richard

—-

Subject: Felicitations on the wedding!
Date: October 6, 2011 1:34:17 AM PST

Shit that was fast! The heart wants what it wants, right buddy? Nice job. Hope the Little Chapel wedding in Vegas was awesome. I bet Cindy looked amazing. Do you have a picture to send me?

Congrats again!

Richie

P.S. Do I have to buy you another wedding gift since your first marriage was annulled?

—-

Subject: My invoice
Date: October 29, 2011 12:25:06 AM PST

I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I’m really low on cash and could use the money you said you’d reimburse me with from the bachelor weekend. Please refer to invoice #3 for the correct amount. I’ve mailed a few copies with updated due dates, the most recent being the one marked URGENT.

Thanks,

Richard

P.S. Have you moved?

—-

Subject: Did you get my wedding invite?
Date: November 6, 2011 7:02:44 PM PST

Shelly and I are engaged and getting married next July! Hope you can make it. We are registered at Crate and Barrel.

Your old college pal,

Richard

> Go to I Love You More Than All These Things

He cancelled last minute for the last time and this time she stands alone without the hope of his pointed ankles soon touching hers. Perhaps the last time they rubbed heels, he was scared. Perhaps his fear fell onto the forest floor and contaminated these leaves with his poor judgment.

The itching is getting worse; it’s burning. She lifts one foot at a time, balancing on the left and then alternating to the right, to avoid constant contact with the leaves’ slow seepage. She prays for rain to come and soften the leaves’ sharp edges, to render them harmless. But the sky remains crystal clear; an eerie shade of sparkling blue.